Why I'm still fat (will contain swear words)

Today, I am not smiling. Maybe angry. I don't know. You know how sometimes something happens and you get a lightbulb moment though ? I had one of those today.

I've been fat most of my life. I've been able to lose weight every now and then, but I gradually became what I am today, 5 ft 3 . 273 pounds. Healthy as a horse (well, so far :P ) , happy as a clam in my own little world, well, as happy as I can be without the general hassles that come with work and my personal life that sometimes goes crashing down with every bit of bad news I get.

My Youtube channel and Facebook page are named "SandrineSmiles" for a reason. I do have a rather positive outlook on life. I'm not the typical negative Nelly in the sense that I don't feel this is a productive way to live.

I am, however, a somewhat rational person and there are times when things hit me like a ton of bricks. Like that thing about being fat.

See, a few years ago, I realized I didn't need to be thin for people to like me. I just needed not to be an asshole or a huge bitch. I needed to be caring. I needed to listen. And, come to think of it, I liked it. Loved it so much I almost got lost in the shuffle, helping out and listening more than I would listen to myself.

It even came to the point where I went "screw this, if you can't handle me like this there's no reason for me to be anything different if you won't even take me as I am" . But I just used this as a mental crutch, trying to comfort myself in the fact that there are nice people out there who don't judge books by their covers and who can appreciate people in all shapes and sizes.

And today it hit me. This is why I'm still fat. It's because there are still assholes out there who think dealing with the public should be done by "pretty" people. It's because my body sees no reason to cater to that stupid standard. It's because I'm sick and tired of being seen as a glutton when all I'm trying to do it take life as it comes.

My legs aren't strong enough to go after the carrots life is trying to dangle in front of my nose as if I was a hungry donkey or rabbit. At least, I used to think so. But maybe that's not it.

Maybe my body has decided that darn it, I'll earn that carrot one way or another through my work, through my spirit, through the things I do. Not through someone's silly idea of what constitute a nice appearance. I'm fully aware that showing up to work in smelly clothing and reeking of poop would be nasty and NOT good, but I wasn't aware that having a few (okay, okay, a lot :D ) extra pounds would matter so much.

Sure, I don't really "do" makeup. Sure, I don't wear skinny jeans. Or heels (who invented those torture devices anyway ?) , but I still buy them because to me they're like feet jewellery. 

But if you ask me to do a job, you can bet your ass you'll have what you need. I'll work my ass off for you. I'll be a good listener for friends. I'll help you out when I can if you need me. I'll be happy to do many things with you. I'll be the nice stranger that helps you carry your baby carriage up the stairs. I'll be the nice lady who steps aside on the bus to let pregnant women or old people sit down. Heck, considering my support for LGBT people, I'll even be the one clapping during Pride, wearing as much rainbows as I can get (what can I say, I love color).

However, I'm not going to "photoshop myself" in real life to do that. The day society accepts me as I am for what I can bring it "as is" might be the day I really lose all that extra weight. 

My boyfriend accepts me as I am. I'll try a little for him. My family teases me gently about things. I'll stubbornly drink my soda.

Society decides to impose its silly view of a "nice appearance" on me ?

Screw this, I'm going to MacDonald's. 

Don't judge a book by its cover

Ha!

I'm fat and over the years, I've heard the comments. I've read the articles online. People seem to associate fat and sickness all the time.

I'm not saying fat people don't suffer from illnesses, but...

No diabetes.
No cholesterol.
No hypertension.
My heart is fine...

HA!

It won't hurt me to lose some weight. That's for sure. If only for the clothing ;) .

My doctor said it best :

"Psychologically, you are wonderful. You have this stomach here that you acknowledge while saying "Screw this!"

Yup. Screw this. Eventually I'll lose some weight for long term benefits, but as it stands... Screw you indeed if you think being fat automatically makes someone a lazy sick useless person :) .

The return of the copy and paste Facebook status

It had been a while.

Things were quiet.

I only saw things worthy of a Failbook post every once in a while, otherwise it was the ordinary mix of personal statuses, silly pictures, religious/political spam and game posts.

And then, it happened again.

This one is about a "legal notice" that you post as a status that is supposed to "protect your account" . Huh ?
http://www.snopes.com/computer/facebook/privacy.asp

This one is about people unclicking the "Comments and likes" to protect YOUR privacy, when all it does is that YOU do not see what they do anymore.
http://www.snopes.com/computer/facebook/timeline.asp

"Hoaxes" like these two are the main reason why I barely repost things. Sometimes I share Youtube videos (including mine, ha XD !) , sometimes the links to blog posts here, and various things... but I do not make it systematic to do so, and for example I do hide the game stuff from people who don't want to see it.

Oh well. I'll be crossing fingers. Another three posts in a row today with the "Privacy notice" that I see a few times a day. Ugh.

:(

Life IS beautiful, because sometimes, it isn't.

I know, my title seems weird. It probably is, in some way.

This month of September was, in some way, epic. Mostly because of one thing: I applied for a transfer at my company, and went through four separate interviews for it. All along the process it seemed to go rather well. The third interview was the best one, the one where I felt there was some sort of connexion.

Of course, that does not mean I feel I was owed the job in any way, shape, or form. But. One week or so after the last interview (yesterday), I was working until 2:30PM. No word then. I knew the HR lady sent e-mails around 6PM, so I checked my work e-mail then, from home.

Rejection.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was in nerves all evening, and all day today (to the point where I wasn't able to go to work and had to see my doc... aaaaaaand now I have to get some procedures done to check stuff out as an added bonus, so to speak). 

The doc told me that it was probably an accumulation of things. I actually agree with that part. It feels weird to be in such a state because I'm usually a rather positive person, the one who keeps hoping, the one who smiles, the one who's the shoulder to cry on, you know ? So when stuff hits *me* , I feel like a lost puppy on a highway and it's terrifying.

I think that's part of the reason why life is so beautiful: you have to go through moments like this to appreciate everything else. My issue isn't the end of the world, and for some people, nothing dire to deal with. But for me... ah... 

My best wishes to anyone who might be reading this. As always, comments/messages welcome :) .

Weird Recipe of the Day

Hello everyone!

Today I'm going to share one of my darkest secrets. Something I cook that tastes delicious but looks utterly ugly. But it's so simple that I just... I have to tell.

WARNING: When I say "ugly" I mean... huh... kinda looks like it's going out rather than in.

Ingredients:
1 packet of instant noodles (any flavor will do, but I generally use mushroom or beef and don't use the spicy oil)
1 or 2 eggs
1 small can of chopped mushrooms
2 slices of processed cheese

What I do :
1) Boil water.
2) Plop noodles in. Swish around until they get soft.
3) Put noodle powder, stir.
4) Add mushrooms, stir.
5) Add processed cheese, stir well until the liquid looks creamy.
6) Whip eggs in separate bowl. Add pepper to it if you want.
7) Put egg in the noodles pan (yes, for real) in a circle.
8) When the egg "rises" (and sorta looks like scrambled eggs) , stir one last time, and serve.

Takes about 5 minutes tops, if that. Not too expensive either.

If you're really hungry, you can use two packets of noodles but it makes for a huge meal so be careful. Sometimes, I also substitute liquid cream instead of cheese.

Yes, I'm weird. But this honestly tastes awesome to me XD !

Musing of the day.

Taken from my latest FB status:

The more I grow up, the more I regret certain times and certain people. I don't regret what I went through but when I think about it I question myself because I probably wasn't bringing much to people if we talk so little...

There are exceptions because we all have our lives, don't live near one another and of course I'll never force anyone to like me because life is like that too. But when you spend months or years and everything goes well and all of a sudden everything stops you can start asking yourself questions. I've been told I was nice and open minded and all, and after doing everything I could in certain situations I wonder "Did I REALLY do what was needed ? Did I REALLY ask myself right right questions ?

I'm not posting this to obtain pity or bother anyone, I was just thinking about this and if anyone wants to talk about that kind of stuff with me, all the better.

Short and sweet : Kpop edition

Yes, I know, another one :D .

Anyone who knows me well enough knows I am addicted to Kpop. My favorite ever is SNSD, or Girl's Generation (I never know where to put the apostrophe haha) ... BUT. There is another group I am addicted to... SISTAR. Wanna see why ? Well, I'll show you with their latest single.

This is the original video clip :


THIS is a live version :

And THIS is why I love them, because they can pull this off (aka, acoustic, sorta) :


And then some people wonder why I love Kpop... look no further ;) .

Why I support LGBT rights.

The other day I had an interesting conversation with my sister. I was saying how sad I was from a previous conversation where it was clear the people involved didn't support gay marriage at all (while they're very nice people, it's still a sad thing to hear when you feel strongly about something) . She was telling me that gay marriage is a difficult topic to think about and that maybe just maybe society (as a whole, not just our country) may not be ready to think about it in the terms that are used today.

I tried to think about why *I* support LGBT rights, and then I realized why. I've been exposed to so many different LGBT people that for me, it's a part of life. It's normal. When I encounter people I don't care whether they're gay or not, because to me, it's not the summary of who they are.

It's as if saying the only thing worth mentioning about me is, say, that I like Coca-Cola... oh the horror! I shall be burnt at the stake! Everyone else likes Pepsi! I'm commiting a crime! Wait... some people like both. WAIT! Does that mean that it actually doesn't matter which one we like, as long as there are other things ? Say... someone who's nice, compassionate, who works hard, who's open-minded, who has a big heart, who's optimistic... or even the millions of other qualities people have ?

Tell you what: I don't care if you're LGBT. I care about YOU. If you're nice, I'm going to like you anyway, and we need more people "like me" to fight with you and say publicly they're proud of you. I'm proud to have awesome people in my life, some of them happen to be gays and lesbians... I just love them for who they are.

My boss really is a good sport, and the worst pick up line ever (to me)

Today was a rather good day. Apparently it's "Let's compliment her" season, or something, because just as I am doing my job it looks like my boss is spreading it around that I'm awesome, and the best coworkers mentoring me are starting to see the progress.

My boss joked that I was probably in love with one of the support people. I said "Naah, too young I guess."

Him : But he's about 40 I think;
Me : Ah, right in my age bracket! See, you're too young. Almost a baby. [Boss is turning 33 in a few days]
Him : Wait, how old are you ?
Me : Almost 29. I need them at least ten years older, haha. :P
Coworker : But who's missing out on who, heh ?
Me : *fit of laughter so bad I had to set my calling thingie to unavailable for at least a full minute to avoid scaring customers away*

Let me tell you, my boss probably thinks I'm nuts, especially when you picture the end of the day...

Him : Hey, look, UberBoss is here to remind you to stay quiet during the last 10 minutes "End of Shift" break.
Me : Do you think I could do that thing that may work sometimes ?
Him : What ? [UberBoss turns around]
Me : This *sad puppy face, UberBoss smiles*
Him : Nope, I don't think that works on UberBoss.
Me : Heh, at least one can get a laugh out of it XD .

Yeah, we're bonkers. But with moments like this I'm thinking it's just as good that I stayed XD .

Then you have the "worst pick up ever" on my way home... I get out of the métro and there are these two guys in front of me doing their thing. The shortest one notices me and motions to his friend to go ahead and he's going to talk to me.

Note : I am 100% sure this is because of my rack that's pretty noticeable especially during the summer -_- .

So he starts trying to chat me up, except I tell him "No thank you" then "I have things to do", "Someone is waiting for me at home" and then probably some unintelligible babble to get him to go away.

He wants me to take his number, and I say "No thank you" but he insists, insists. He thinks I can take it and not call him or just call him to talk on the weekends.

I go up the stairs to get out of the station and go my way, he starts following me so I think aaaaaaaaaaargh what to do ? And with my new "Work Goddess and Queen of Customer Service" (joking, but still) state of mind, I said "You offered, I said no. I do not have to, and I will not take your number."

Free at last! Or not, when I realized he was looking at where I was going, so I ducked into my favorite Chinese take-out place and took my sweet time ordering.

Whew, crisis avoided.

But what a nice day today!

So maybe my job isn't so bad after all...

I've been at this job since October 2011 now. It almost feels like a decade. In a way, this is literally the "worst job ever" for me, because while I've had my share of little hardships here and there during jobs, they were never that big of a deal because I knew the previous positions were only temporary.

This customer service thing is more permanent than I thought. Now that I'm an official adult, I need to think of bills first, and of course, just like everyone else on the planet (except, maybe, Warren Buffet, Bill Gates and Hollywood people) , I can't just decide one day "SCREW THIS" and quit on a whim.

I almost did last month. I had lost hope. Customers were getting more and more on my nerves every single day, part because some of our policies don't mesh with logic, and part because some customers *do* suck major monkey balls.

And then something happened. I don't know what the trigger was exactly, but my boss had me on additional training with coworkers with a better performance (my problem is "average call duration" and I'm dragging my team down, while providing the best service with the best attitude, apparently) for a while. I'd been assigned training before and I still didn't get the hope back, but in late May, I don't know, things just... moved up.

I got my first "100 %" note in June. Last week, in fact. It's nothing, really, on the grand scheme of things. Won't get me a higher bonus (see previous paragraph) , but still, I liked seeing that look in my boss' eyes when he told me how much he likes the way I do things. Only part being I'm so good at customer service that I am too good and take too long and become a teeny tiny bit less efficient.

The point is, things are changing. Some policies are evolving and it's making my job easier. The customers can be difficult at times, but still, I am more at peace when I wake up in the morning.

Sooo... I guess I grew up ?

My Kpop List (with pictures)

(sorry I haven't been so "daily" lately... it's hard to keep up and my job has been wearing me down little by little)


So, I posted a link on Facebook today because my favorite Kpop girl group EVER, SNSD (I'll always call them that hehe) . And some people I originally added because of game were happy to discover I like kpop too, so I figured it would be "fun" to make a list of the kpop acts I listen to besides SNSD. And then... well... the list DOES get kinda long.

So, here goes...

Favorite group EVER :

SNSD (and their sub-unit)

Sistar (pretty much comes second)

T-ara

Rainbow

Kara

Brown Eyed Girls

Dal Shabet

After School (and their sub units)

4Minute

5Dolls

Chi-Chi

Chocolat

Secret

Girl's Day

A Pink

f(x)

miss A

Wonder Girls

-------------------------

G.NA

IU

Ns Yoon G (hard to find a good picture, sniff)

-----------------------------------

And then the boys...

TRAX

SHINEE

B2ST

Super Junior

And yeah, that's only Kpop, and I'm not even talking about those I haven't listened to yet.

O_O ...

Let's go on adventures!

Hello all!

So, I'm doing it again. I managed to go on a trip to London after the first epic fail, and then I noticed I could have five days off in a row if I did things wisely. Since I do have a passport now, I thought "Hey, where should I go now ?" and of course my brain decided New York is a good idea.

I'm bringing a friend this time (she actually begged once she knew where I was going, but it's good not to travel all alone haha :D ) . And talking about it with her made me think of one thing: going on adventures is a nice thing to have. Of course, not everyone can afford it, and if you can't go in a foreign country you could always go for something that's an hour away or so (especially in the US since that country is HUGE hehe) .

Of course being comfortable in one's city or appartment/house/job is important. But discovering your area, exploring, seeing new things... it often makes you appreciate what you have even more than you could ever imagine.

So go on and explore, people! Go, discover, explore, take pictures of interesting things if at all possible... Life's too short, we should all make the most of everything the world has to offer.

Keeping your calm with customers

Hello retail workers!

No wait, not just retail workers. Anyone who is currently working or has worked with customers in the past, or in a "customer service" type of job within a company (like a helpdesk for the company or something).

Well, I decided to think back on it for a while, and I just realized something : I have rarely had any real "bad" encounters with customers. Oh, sure, when I worked for Disney one day one guest made me cry, but I had started something like a month earlier and I was still over sensitive. Now ? Pssht. Try me.

I now work on the phone. Customer service. Not too bad, I mean I am very comfortable, the workspace is pretty nicely organized, and, well, you know, it's work :P . Besides, for some reason, I really really REALLY enjoy helping people one way or another, so despite having bad days, I'm quite happy in general.

But as in all kinds of customer service jobs, you sometimes get the very annoying people. Those who think answering them with an unpleasant answer means it's the wrong one. Those who think one person equals the whole company and lashes out for no reason. Those who insist you can do something when you can't. And if you get those one after the other, it's quite easy to be a nervous wreck at the end of the day!

Yet this new job has taught me the art of being zen. Customer yelling at me because he thinks I think he's an idiot ? Check. Customer insisting we tried to screw her out of money by doing X when she was the one who made the mistake ? Check. Customer insisting I am working from the offshore location when I'm working from the country the company is from ? Check. You get the drift.

I've seen some coworkers struggle with that, because when you are direct and to the point, sometimes you just get angry (even if only from inside) at what a customer is telling you, even if deep down inside you know they're angry at the company, not you. So your nerves crumble down and BAM sometimes you somewhat explode.

Me ? Nah. I just sigh once, maybe twice, smile at my screen like an idiot, sometimes look to my coworkers on the left for "moral support" and lift my shoulders, and just explain, very calmly, what I'm saying and why I'm saying it.

The result ? Customer yelling at me because he thought I was calling him an idiot managed to log on to our website. Customer thinking we were screwing her out of money understood and not only let me resolve her problem BUT also apologized. Customer insisting I am working from offshore hung up on me after 8 minutes of complaining (in my pre-Disney days, dude could have stayed on the line for 30 minutes ranting, destroying my work stats for the day). And so on.

I used to have a hard time managing my nerves. Now it's much easier and I have a clear conscience, even though sometimes I still cringe inside. I guess it's also the work experience talking, even though I haven't been working here for years. Maybe it's the life experience too, I don't know.

But one thing is sure : my work persona is completely different from my real-life persona. Wait, my on-the-phone-at-work persona is different, because my coworkers seem to think I'm slightly nuts, with good reason ;) ... but now we know being a little nuts is quite useful :) .

Post completed on March 18th, 2012 around 9:35 PM.

How to fail at international travel

Yeah, that's me. Here's how you can look like an idiot when you're supposed to travel abroad.

1) Get up, look at account. Go "Whee! I can go!"
2) Look at work schedule. Ask boss. Get approval.
3) Call your Mom and ask if you can take your sister.
4) Realize things are bloody expensive and ten days in advance is not enough to take your sister.
5) Buy train ticket and book hotel anyway, annoying your sister.
6) Wait until the day before to plan your suitcase (heh, it was only four days and at least, I'd done the necessary laundry) .
7) Realize you lost your ID and cannot go.


Oh. Woops.

I went to bed at 2:40 AM or something that day, woke up at 5:20 AM in hopes of finding it, but nope.

As a result, I had to go to the police station to report the loss. The insurance policy said "theft" but it ended up as "loss" on the paperwork because the nice policeman said, basically, that lost = one paper, one signature, one stamp. "Theft" , on the other hand, meant a huge wait because I would have had to... huh... oh shoot I can't remember the words, but you know when you sue someone or report a crime against you or something ? Yeah, that phrase. I think.

So I just thought his advice was interesting, since filing a claim would do nothing except lose time (no one stole anything "monetary" so it would have been pointless).

The hotel has accepted to "transfer" the amount of my reservation. The insurance might reimburse me for part of the ticket. So, not all hope is lost, but I really feel like an idiot right now!

TL;DR : If you have an ID and a passport, DO NOT LET THEM EXPIRE without renewing and, most important, KEEP THEM CLOSE AND DO NOT LOSE SIGHT OF THEM.

There :p .

How criticism can save your job

In a world where everything will offend at least one person at some point, it is sometimes good to remember that being offended or offensive all the time isn't the way to go if you want everything to run properly (not necessarily smoothly, mind you, because criticism often ruffles feathers in a very unpleasant way) .

Criticism is necessary. It's essential. If you're so delusional that every single bit of criticism you receive makes you angry or sad, then maybe there is something wrong with you. Of course, not every piece of criticism is the same and sometimes of course your sadness/anger/disappointment is valid. But sometimes ? Not so much.

Thinking positive!

Yesterday, I had to make an appointment with a guy to take a look at our entrance door, as the hinges are getting weird. Of course I had to take my keys off my coat pocket, and OF COURSE this morning The Man and I got out at the same time, he locked the door, and woops when I got home (three full hours before him) I went "WOOPS" .

I started panicking a bit as I hadn't planned for this, when I remembered "Heyyyyy I'm an adult, weee!" and sent him an e-mail, told him I would go to the Internet café, told him where it is (The Man does not have a cell phone) and parked my behind there.

Sometimes, I still panic when minor things like this happen. But when you breathe calmly for a minute and just don't let your nerves get the best of you, you can end up finding better solutions (and faster, too, maybe) in the long run.

(Says the one who did not have lunch and who would like The Man to get his behind around here quick before I eat a computer :P )

Understanding politics. Oh ?

Disclaimer : This post may seem offensive to some. Should you read until the end, you may e-mail me or comment with whatever you like, but remember I'm not out to attack anyone in particular.

(TL;DR at the end)

I think the only way I'll ever know which way to vote would be if I was either a politician's personal friend OR if I worked with them closely. When I read articles about politics or screencaps with captions and stuff, no matter where they are, people seem to think all politicians are out to get them. The thing is, I don't think that is true at all.

Now, don't ask me which side I'm on, because I'm just in my armchair. And I'm not even kidding : I have no idea as to where I am politically, because while I may have an opinion on major issues (ask me about any) , you'd have to ask me the questions to determine where I fall on the political spectrum.

It's not even that I am not interested. I am interested in politics the same way I am interested in religion : there are cultural aspects to it that are essential to the understanding of how some people and countries work.

I don't care if you have a political opinion, after all you're free to have one. Just don't shove it down my throat and we'll be fine :) . I'd rather talk about the issues at large than the politics themselves anyway.

Letting people go

Sometimes it's about a job. Sometimes a relationship. Sometimes it's a friend, or someone who is moving, or something else. But there are people who come into your life, and then at some point they may need to go. Sometimes it's not their choice, and sometimes it is.

When someone chooses to leave, most people will try and stop that person from leaving. Especially in relationships. People will try to fight, people will try to negociate. It does work at times, even though it's terrible that it takes one's will to leave to "make things right". Example : woman wants to leave a man, he promises X and Y, person wants to leave a job, boss promises a raise, you know, things like that.

But in most cases... we should not fight. We should let people go. Sometimes, they make the decision because it's the best thing for them. Sometimes, they just have to go otherwise they're doing something against their nature, their beliefs, their principles, and it wouldn't be good for them to stay.

I understand the selfish impulse to say "Please don't go!" . But yesterday I learnt, yet again, that it's better to wish someone happiness on their way out, and keep in touch even sporadically, than to have this person stay and be miserable.

I had to hold back my tears. What can I say, I'm sensitive. It would have looked silly even though I imagine I wasn't the only one feeling weird. I was ready to leave all alone when I realized others were walking in the same direction.

I feel truly lucky to be in this environment, and to have been in this environment with this person around. We need more people like this person everywhere.

If you ever read this, I have two words to say : THANK YOU.

Acceptance about who you are

Photo : Reunion Island. Found it through Google Image Search. I did NOT take this picture.

     So yesterday I had to go to the doctor again. I may have asthma... yay! Or not, depending on how you look at it. Am feeling slightly better today since I got new meds, let's just hope SOMETHING is confirmed so I can take the meds if they exist or quit my job if it turns out nothing can be done (I am kidding here. I am NOT quitting this job anytime soon) . 

     Speaking of the doctor, she said something that amused me while I was in her office. She said that in 2010 I told her I don't give a damn about my weight. I felt the need to clarify that.

     I told her it's not that I don't care at all. Sometimes, I do. But growing up I got so much mockery and stares from being fat that at some point I gave up, thought "Screw this, you don't like me like this, YOUR LOSS" and moved on. 

Thank you, Blue Butterfly Designs!

The website : http://www.bluebutterflyjewelry.com/

Look what I realized I got today! (We don't check the mail everyday but The Man got to it today, weeee!)

Bracelet

Cute little bag to hold the set

Earrings

Necklace. Let's note that I have a huge neck so on me it looks like a choker (if that's even the correct spelling) . I love it!

A huge thank you to Michelle from Blue Butterfly Designs!

I am very happy :)

That's my happy thought of the day, thanks to Michelle and the nice set I got from her :) . 

Going to work... and being sick.

Image credit : http://barrynewtonmarketing.com/ through Google Image Search / I looked for "Going to work" pictures

Hello everyone! 

     I will be honest here. I dread being sick. There was a time when I hated my job so much I would do a little victory dance when put on medical leave. Right now, not so much. I will be very clear: no matter what I say about our customers, I love my job, I love my team, and without even trying to be cheesy, I love my bosses. YES I said it, I love working with those people and I am thankful for being surrounded by such awesome people.

    I got sick over the holidays. BAM, two days medical leave. I hated it, but read my work e-mails everyday anyway to keep up with information. And then The Boyfriend got bronchitis and BAM, I started being sick again.